Query project

My comments are in [brackets] . As always, I haven't read these yet unless otherwise noted. These are my reactions as I read.

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#52

Dear Jodi:

Eamon Rutherford is a corporate giant but that isn't all he is. [I think this could be snappier. Maybe punctuation would help. (A comma?) I keep thinking something like, "He's more than a corporate giant" would be snappier, but it would take away the original focus -- corporate giant...and wait there's more!] He's a vampire and not like the ones in the movies. He's more Alan Rickman than Bela Lugosi. [Hee. Okay.] He drinks Glenlivet Scotch, wears custom suits from Savile Row and has an addiction to his Blackberry. [Pickiness compels me to have you snip things for snappiness, but so far, I think you're doing a great job of showing what's unique about this manuscript.]

Eamon has been alone too long and decides that fiery ballerina Lauryl Mellis will be his.Against her will he turns her into a vampire because he wants a companion in his lonely life. [My excitement dropped here. a) That wasn't very nice of him -- did he even ask? -- and b) I liked thinking he was a normal corporate giant who happened to be a vampire, not the other way around.] In retaliation, Lauryl does everything she can to make him miserable from turning her former psychiatrist and crush into a vampire to finally running away from Eamon's rigid control. [Good on her! I don't like Eamon much right now.] Eamon is then forced to expand his narrow world as a vampire, deal with the vampire equivalent of a midlife crisis and find the one thing he doesn't have, lasting love. [Though this is interesting, I think it's not big enough. I'm not seeing the stakes. He's doing unsympathetic things and not giving me a reason to root for him. What happens if he doesn't succeed? He continues being rich and immortal? Also, it seems like there's something missing. What else is going on in the story? What are the complications and conflicts? Vampire relationship drama isn't bad, but there should be *more*.]

PRIMIGENIO is complete at 90,000 words and is targeted to lovers of paranormal romance and vampire fiction, especially fans of Kerrelyn Sparks and Lynsay Sands. I am a member of RWA and First Coast Romance Writers. [Perfect!]

Thanks for your consideration,

Alison

-- Alison Erin Beightol

adventuresofthecautionarytale.blogspot.com



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#53

Dear Ms. Meadows:

I would like to offer my fantasy novel A Demon in the Rough for representation. [Reads at tad presumptuous, but okay. (I'm a fan of the humble, "I'm seeking representation for my [manuscript]."] I feel this story would be a good fit for you because you represent Fantasy authors, and because from what I’ve read of this project so far I’d appreciate your input.

Demon in the Rough is the story of [Unnecessary. Agents know what the next paragraph is about. Put the title and wordcount in the intro paragraph and you'll be fine.] Malak, offspring of a serpent-demoness and one of the winged Aureni, who expects to die before he’s twenty. [Watch pronouns. This reads likes the Aureni expects to die before he's 20.] After all, he knows that a male serpent demon’s only purposes are to survive long enough to mate and to earn an afterlife of eternal warmth and feasting in Gehenna- and that a way to guarantee this last reward is to kill and eat an Auren. [This is *quite* a sentence. There's a lot of information in here and it's hard to get it all. Remember that people are reading quickly. Make it as easy and accessible as possible.] All of that changes when Malak’s rescued from a demon-hunter and brought to live with his Auren uncle, forcing him to deal with not only demon hunters and starvation, but with a governing Tribunal that considers him an abomination, a shape-shifting deity, and the choice of facing either death or something even more intimidating: Fatherhood. [There's a lot of really interesting stuff in here, and I can tell you've done a lot of worldbuilding. But while you've listed a lot of problems, I don't feel like I've got a good idea of who Malak is or why I should root for him. I don't know how these events are affecting him or what he's going to do about them. Keep these things in mind: What are his goals, what's keeping him from achieving them, what's he going to *do* about that, and what happens if he doesn't succeed. Lists of cool things are just lists if my hearstrings aren't being yanked. Make sense?]

“A Demon in the Rough” is complete at 86,500 words. It has the potential to become the first of a trilogy, but stands on its own. I have one previous novel publication, “Between Worlds” from Double Dragon Publishing. Short fiction credits include Sword and Sorceress XXIII and XXIV and others. [Good stuff.]

Sample chapters, the full manuscript, and a synopsis of A DEMON IN THE ROUGH are available. Please contact me by email or phone at (Please use my website instead: http://carpelibris.wordpress.com/melissa-mead/ ). [This paragraph is unnecessary.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Melissa J. Mead



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How to submit:

Please use either unicornprincess [at] gmail [dot] com or jodi.meadows [at] gmail [dot] com.

"Dear Jodi" (or whatever) is preferable to "Dear Agent", but you don't have to personalize it.

This is open to anyone. Just make sure you mention it's for the blog, preferably in the subject line. Use something like, "Query for blog."

Since it can take a while for me to get to you, if you revise your query before I post it and want me to crit the new version, please tell me about the new version before I crit and post the old one.

Remember, people will be reading these queries. They may make comments. (People are free to disagree with my opinions as I go.) I'll make sure everyone remains civil, but if you can't take criticism, don't send.

The genre doesn't matter. However, since I'm just a human, I have likes and dislikes. I'll do my best to be unbiased, but chances are splatterpunk horror isn't going to draw me in as much as fantasy. My reactions are going to reflect that.

If you want me to link back to your blog or website, make sure you include that link. If you want to be anonymous or sign as your blog name, that's fine too. Just make sure you let me know what you want to be. :)