Query project

No slush stats today! But Query Project is still going strong.

I've made a couple small changes to the "how to submit" section, mostly just removing agency things, but it's probably time for a good revision on that. Anything you think I need to address eventually?

My comments are in [brackets] . As always, I haven't read these yet. These are my reactions as I read them.

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#29 (Pretty sure I've read this one.)

Dear Jodi,

Shayla Carver, undercover agent and master assassin, has killed many times. That's what assassins do. Nothing to lose sleep over. [I was good until this sentence. It's not bad, it's just redundant. I think if we haven't got the idea by now, we're not going to and another sentence isn't going to help. ;)] But this mission is different; she's never killed a whole planet before. [Super idea. I feel like this sentence should be snappier, though. Maybe it's the first phrase I don't like.]

She's seen it happen though, many years ago, when her own home burned on the orders of a young Emperor. The young Shayla watched, helpless but incensed, and vowed revenge.

How many youngsters [This word seems out of place here. Also note the word repetition. Two "young"s in the last paragraph, and "youngster" here.] dream the impossible? And how many think of the consequences? Shayla did more than dream. She started on a long road, a road which she's followed without question, a road which has finally brought her to the Emperor's palace and within reach of her goal. [Not big on the repetition here. The road image isn't strong or unique enough to deserve it. ]

Shayla has planned everything meticulously, except that she hasn't allowed for coming face to face with some of the two billion inhabitants she's about to slaughter. Ordinary people. Not the stereotyped strutting Imperials of her imagination, and not so readily dismissed as legitimate targets or collateral damage. And then there's the Emperor himself. An ordinary man with troubles and dreams of his own. Not the kind of man Shayla can picture giving such an order.

Now she's starting to lose sleep. [On one hand, I think this is really strongly showing your writing style, which is awesome. On the other hand, while the stylistic repetitions might be okay in the story, it's making the query a bit wordy.]

As she enslaves the destructive might of the Emperor's own fleet and launches the final stage of her plan, Shayla can no longer ignore the enormity of what she's doing. On the brink of success, she must choose: To complete her lifelong goal to rid humanity of a corrupt regime, or to heed her own misgivings and trust the man, her sworn enemy, that she's spent so many years pursuing. [There are some super awesome conflicts in this, and you've done a nice job of showing your writing style. I worry that the strong ideas are getting lost under the words, though.]

"Ghosts of Innocence" is a science fiction novel complete at 95,000 words. I am also working on a sequel, "The Ashes of Home". Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Ian Bott

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#30 (I think I've read this one too. Whoa.)

Dear Jodi:

The details of how it came to be are lost to history, [*flail* It. Please give a proper noun. I want to be grounded right away.] but in the third century, a female shaman or sorceress was the first ruler of a substantially unified Japan. [Is this the "it"? The fact of a female shaman ruling Japan? Okay, that does make my request for a proper noun more difficult.] The YA novel for which I am seeking representation, Making the Sorceress Queen, is my attempt to imagine who she was and how she came to power. [Cool. Slip in a little subtle conflict? "things she overcame to achieve her power" or something?]

The tale is told the voice of the queen's younger brother, Po, [I can see this either working really well, or steal the focus from the queen. Either way, I suspect it's very difficult to do.] who aids in his sister Io in her transformation from country orphan to regional monarch. The siblings flee their home in northern Honshū when their father, a provincial ruler, is assassinated. [I assume they're fleeing because of the assassination and they have reason to believe they're next...] They take with them Po's extraordinary dog, Honschi, and their father's warhorse, Chara, at a time when horses are a rarity in Japan. After some years in hiding, they arrive in Kyūshū, where Io [Is this the future queen? This is the first time we've seen her name.] begins the delicate political dance of playing local rulers off against one another in order to further her own goals. She is a magnificent warrior and a brilliant tactician, and knows how to inspire devotion and fear to help complete her conquest. In her rare vulnerable moments, she is also a young woman deeply scarred by the loss of her parents. Po is one of the few people she can trust, and perhaps the only one who may be able to help her find a measure of peace to go with her power. [I think this one has some good stuff in it, and it's not a subject we've read about a million times. But I also feel it's missing stakes and conflicts. What happens if Io doesn't become queen? What's keeping her from achieving this goal?]

Making the Sorceress Queen is complete at 64,000 words, 200 pages, and sixteen chapters. [We don't need anything after the wordcount. Page count and chapter count means very little.] The novel blends elements that will be familiar to readers of historical fiction, fantasy, and that adolescent classic, the boy-and-dog story. For myself, I was once a fifth-grade teacher, and am presently a graduate student in English literature. I have studied fiction writing with Jim Shepard and Nicholas Delbanco. My short fiction for adults has appeared in The Connecticut Review and is forthcoming in Rosebud. I am also a martial artist, an equestrian, and the owner of the Japanese Akita dog who served as the model for Honschi. Thank you very much for your time and consideration of this manuscript.

Sincerely,

Carolyn J. Dekker

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How to submit: How to send: If you have something to send, please use either unicornprincess [at] gmail [dot] com or jodi.meadows [at] gmail [dot] com. "Dear Jodi" (or whatever) is preferable to "Dear Agent", but you don't have to personalize it.

Is the offer open to anyone? Yes! If you have one, send it. Please make sure you mention it's for the blog. People will be reading them. They may make comments. (People are free to disagree with my opinions as I go.) I'll make sure everyone remains civil, but if you can't take criticism, don't send.

Does the genre matter? No. However, since I'm just a human, I have likes and dislikes. I'll do my best to be unbiased, but chances are splatterpunk horror isn't going to draw me in as much as fantasy. My reactions are going to reflect that.

If you want me to link back to your blog or website, make sure you include that link. If you want to be anonymous or sign as your blog name, that's fine too. Just make sure you let me know what you want to be. :)